Bergerac - Shields - photograph...  You may be hearing the clatter of horse hoof or the screech of the Nazgûl very shortly...

Errrm...that's not me....you've got Photoshop! Cos I know you have. It's TV's boggle eyed rent-a-Geordie Tim Healy's face superimposed onto a poor imitation of the unofficial 'Bergerac' DVD collection. If it really was me I'd be far less boggle-eyed, much less "poor lad" looking and it would be on "Bloooo Rrray' (copyright Tom Jones....don't ask). Shields? Never heard of it. I'm from Jersey (where people go to avoid paying tax and Nazgûl related slayings). Taxi for Bergerac!

I caught up with Bergerac last night.  He was heavily disguised and even wore a false nose, as you can see by the photograph taken just before I cast him into the Fires of Mount Doom, which is a programme... blah, blah, blah... you can fill in the rest yourselves.  I admired his spunk, though; right up to the end he insisted he'd never been to Shields...

Hi WK, thought I hadn't seen Bergerac for a few days, I usually bump into him in ASDA on Saturdays while doing a big shop. Glad to hear that he'll be appearing in my favourite daytime afternoon Soap "Fires of Mount Doom", it's the highlight of the day for me and our lass...barring Jeremy Kyle. By the way...make it 30p.

Ach, WK, laddie, I dinnae want tae mess wi' yer business but I suppose ye dae ken that Cyrano de Bergerac an' Jimmy Bergerac are twa different chappies, dinnae ye?

Of course I do, Granpaw! After all, I'm the immortal Witch-king of Angmar! I, errr, posted the wrong photograph, yes, that's right. This is the chappie, errr, I mean demon (Granpaw's twang is catching, is it not) that I cast into the Fires of Mount Doom, which is a programme... de-da-de-da (I have to set that to a tune when I get off shift). And another thing, I am thousands of years old and ten feet tall, so I hardly think addressing me as "WK, laddie" is appropriate! I know you live in Auchenshoogle and oft frequent the bowling club...

Now, now, laddie, there's nae need tae get upset.  I'll tell ye whit, why dae ye no' come tae the boolin' club as ma guest for the pie an' pea supper next week?  It'll be braw fun an ye can learn tae play draughts wi' us auld fowk.  Mind ye, dinnae go an' start tossin' anyane intae the Fires o' thon Ben Doom or whitever it's ca'd.  Except maybe for Tam McGurk; I widnae want tae hae tae play him in the finals.

Well! Thank you Granpaw; I most graciously accept your kind invite.  I've been meaning to come to Auchenshoogle to get some more of those mints (is it 'pepperies' you call them?) that the Witch-king of Alnwick gave me before I cast him into the Fires of Mount Doom (etc... etc... to the tune of Deep Purple's 'Into the Fire').  I'll meet you at the Bowling club; I'll be the 10-foot tall chap in armour and a black cape riding a black horse and wearing a pink carnation.  And I promise not to cast anyone into the Fires of Mount Doom (queue screaming guitar solo while the Nazgûl screeches in the background).  Actually, I'm thinking of recording an album and I'm looking for tracks to cover and a title for the album, so perhaps that nice Administrator chap could ask his members to make some suggestions?

C'mon Bergerac, where are you?  I know you're not dead because Granpaw explained to me at the pie and pea supper last weekend that I had mistakenly thrown both Cyrano de Bergerac and John Nettles into the Fires of Mount Doom.  Well, as it happens Lord Sauron was very pleased with my performance this past month.  In his position he really only looks at the numbers and doesn't dive into the details.  Anyway, I'm not hunting you down anymore because I've picked up the trail of The Three Guys from Shields...

Howdy WK. Funny, I was wondering where Bergerac was too. Sir Noel and I have been away for a few days (cheap lager booze run to France) in Noel's yacht. We came back via Jersey and stopped off in the local VG for a couple of coconuts, where we spotted Bergerac in a ridiculous wig shouting at the hapless shopkeeper about him not stocking AWT's and throwing the odd "do I look like a Shields lad?" (much to the shopkeepers bemusement). Anyway, last we saw of him was waving a fiver at a fisherman, asking if he knew the way to Shields, so I think a return may be on the cards pretty soon. Hope he ditches the rug though, my sympathy doesn't extend that far. Speaking of waving cash...any sign of that minx Marie?

Just wanted to give you the heads-up on the Berg-ster.  I was on my way home last night having just won the meat draw at the club, when I saw Bergerac with a small rug like patch on his head.  I sold him 2 loins of pork and then as I leapt off into the shadows, I saw him ditch the wig.  So anyway he's back in Shields.

Thanks Spiderm'n, why - that meat was lovely and tender.

That's because I'd been chewing it for 20 minutes.